supernova

and as i herald the new year with much anticipation and relief, i acknowledge my final journey as the person i was always meant to be, a figure if you will, to always be adored from a distance, approachable yet unattainable. that's how it's always been as a child. i could never keep close friends because privately i always felt like they were just another species. and no one,hard as they tried, could ever tie me down to any form of relationship. because innately i resisted being a part of anyone.

i'm no superstar, but i totally get where elvis,mj,cobain,winehouse,speed et all were coming from, and why they all were the loneliest stars in the universe.because in that extended metaphor, you can never shine with other stars around. and rather than languishing for more, i've achieved everything i could possibly want in my work,family,love life, and personal bests. or as jo aptly put it tongue-in-cheek,'you're not a sad spinster like aunty von, coz you've got us.' haha i guess we've made amends and a whole lot of closure since japan

i've reached a point where i've served my function to all who matter. i think i already did that years ago:

as well as to my 24 'kids'

this shall be my last entry.
i'm closing this down because it has served its purpose.i've made and said my peace.

as i breathe my last,i will go with the best sum of all parts
jo's whiny mehs, jill's artless giggles, lexi's annoyed groans
your big warm palm on the small of my back,your strong fingers in me, the comforting laundered scents of your gunny-sack polo,watching you preoccupied and dextrous in math,your quaint elemental saltiness,those melting pools,the small gentle voice at the other end of the line

good karma all
love and light
namaste

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. 

- Joseph Campbell

bye 2011

you were a bitch year and i gladly bid you farewell.i've never had to deal with so much bad karma in a given time phase so i'm starting to believe it foreshadows a peaceful end. it has to.when you've hit rockbottom that's usually an indication of due relief. i guess in retrospect,my lowest point wasn't so much breaking up,breaking my teeth or getting 8 root canals but letting someone i revile go down on me on my darkest day.that is one moment i wish to forever erase.

2012 will be all about chucking every singlemost bad memory and looking to the most amazing end of my 43rd year.it will end with closure.it will end with clarity.most of all, it will end with that one moment where everything comes together in ohm.needing nothing.and the best part is, i won't be here anymore only because it is something i've chosen and willed.that's what a final triumph is, when you don't let the larger things determine and control your destiny, but you are the ultimate master of your fate and captain of your soul.

peace out.

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." - Arthur Golden

awesome dawson

at 600sgd pax for the JR pass,i think the cross-country traverse would prove valuable training (pun intended)

esp looking forward to the hotsprings in central honshu @ nagoya. ah the memories. i recall the sense of wonderment when i got there in '95 all alone on a shinkansen

roles and goals

so while invigilating my mind constantly wanders haha its just mindnumbing sitting here staring into space.tg i have my little pink lappy here with me.

anyway, it's been a season of reflection and i've come to accept that unlike relationships with family, those with lovers/partners serve very different functions.case in point my too many:

• weetz: to help him find his sexuality,puppy-love notwithstanding
• ck: to restore his confidence in r/s (after he was spurned) and even at some point academically (i edited his entire final year thesis on chemical reactions of fungi!).of course to prime him for husbandry/fatherhood so he'd be adequate for that 20 years later
• jem: archetypal Nabakovian narrative,coming of age with older lover,added with gay twist.i think she needed to find herself before she did the whole marriage/kids thing.heaven knows i could've benefited from an encounter like that when i was 18
• christine: the flip from straight to gay after her abusive r/s with her ex-bf. she maintains i was her 'first-love' and i suppose it's an honour i will take to the grave.of course she also became a 'reformed lesbian' after we broke up and found god haha ohmy
• shariene: i gave her a glimpse of family life and something she idealised as instant kids which she's always wanted without actually having to bear her own.that experience has helped her hone her confidence in being a domestic partner to take care of her loved ones in future.apt that we found each other at the threshold of her graduation to work life,which to a 20smth is truly coming of age
• krystle: perhaps it was the closest thing she needed to a surrogate parent, having faced abandonment issues with her dad.possibly to also seal her questions on sexuality and help her find her footing in her tumultous college years of change and confusion.strangely i was her teacher in more ways than one
• marrissa: it was mutual healing we both needed at a point where we faced personal crises, she her divorce and me my break-up. we needed affirmation on our love-ability (fuckability even) and i guess it was beautiful while it lasted. we both emerged from the experience a little surer about our destinities

so well, i guess nothing is futile in the broader scheme of things.although every r/s was transient, each was vital and transitional. i know i've come away from each with a sense of fulfilment. that i haven't let life pass me by without loving. i know many who've never even taken one leap in that direction, and as tennyson postulated, it is better to have loved than lost than never to have loved at all.

my surrogates

aww what'a not to love



glad they finally went with the plane rather than a venus version of me haha and it paid off coz they champed the challenge!

and the weird photos they've had of you in their albums you uncover after adding them on fb

this was taken in april at little india. soks and i look like we're doing the nasty hahaomg

n smth's up w my nose at this troll angle haha yikes


stalked

much

to a creepy degree tt the pics were edited in greyscale eep...

fear not the darkness

i'm loving the new gmail layout.it not only follows the day but often one's mood.or it's just me haha

when i was young, i'd never sleep without the night-light, nor enter a room at night without turning on the light first.i tried that once at a training camp when i was with PSA and it was at a colonial bungalow in sembawang.i saw a flash before me and felt a cold breeze when the windows were all closed.spooky eh.i had gone to retrieve my ciggies but i remember not feeling like smoking the rest of the night coz i think i had my rush from that alone.

these days i embrace the darkness with something in between comfort and disinterest. i take lexi for walks at the park after 10 so that no one is around and she can run free. that rascal has yet to get lost and so far has learnt to wait for me at the foot of the hill if we somehow part ways on our route.she's fucking brill. i esp love it when my random playlist on my pod releases 80s music.it transports me to an era of innocence and wild abandon.and for that moment i'm 16 again,with nary a worry except to complete my o levels.

anyway i think the reason for this has to do with a numb acceptance of how things will be. i use to fear darkness and the uncertain which extends to death. these days i welcome it with relief and even anticipation. i almost believe it's going to be just an anti-climax of breathing and then darkness, much like when in the sauna and there's a power-outage..calm.soundless. i love it. it'd also be a great way to go in all my naked glory,same way i came into the world.how complete.

2012 shall be about healing.my kids have made a breakthrough in deep-seated issues which we can now chuck behind us.it's like i had a chapter of denouement this long weekend.nothing is left unspoken, everything out there.they can call me a lesbian loose mother and i'd go, 'really,is that the best you have?' and laugh it as i walk away.they can think i'm stark raving bonkers i wouldn't give a toss to explain myself. it's everything raw and to its honest core.

likewise, they now exactly how i feel about them. i will not try to sugar-coat the things they will face, nor try to make things feel better than they warrant.tough love, unadulterated honesty. the next step will be about healing the possible pain caused by all this.i will not dwell nor dredge, and i expect the same from them. if they don't get it that is really their prerogative to prolong suffering.

i have moved on to stage love. yes,loving without reason or expectations. just showing it every chance i get. it may be from a deed or word. but it doesn't have to be second-guessed. jil and i are already there (she texted me when she reached home to ask what i was suffering from prb to google it haha), jo being the sociopath will need concerted time and effort. i got her a cybershot to replace her rusty ixus. no reason, just early bd/xmas thing in case i don't make december, everything shall be done spontaneously and in the here and now.

time waits for no man, and i certainly won't wait around it.

p/s other great ways to die: eating kway chap, lying in deep slumber beside lexi, while fucking blind

formula to avoid suffering:

L= f4 + n4


where L= Life
f4 = function, fulfill, fuckall and finish
n4  = numb, neutral, needing nothing