breathe.confront.embrace.be
anyway, it's been a season of reflection and i've come to accept that unlike relationships with family, those with lovers/partners serve very different functions.case in point my too many:
- weetz: to help him find his sexuality,puppy-love notwithstanding
- ck: to restore his confidence in r/s (after he was spurned) and even at some point academically (i edited his entire final year thesis on chemical reactions of fungi!).of course to prime him for husbandry/fatherhood so he'd be adequate for that 20 years later
- jem: archetypal Nabakovian narrative,coming of age with older lover,added with gay twist.i think she needed to find herself before she did the whole marriage/kids thing.heaven knows i could've benefited from an encounter like that when i was 18
- christine: the flip from straight to gay after her abusive r/s with her ex-bf. she maintains i was her 'first-love' and i suppose it's an honour i will take to the grave.of course she also became a 'reformed lesbian' after we broke up and found god haha ohmy
- shariene: i gave her a glimpse of family life and something she idealised as instant kids which she's always wanted without actually having to bear her own.that experience has helped her hone her confidence in being a domestic partner to take care of her loved ones in future.apt that we found each other at the threshold of her graduation to work life,which to a 20smth is truly coming of age
- krystle: perhaps it was the closest thing she needed to a surrogate parent, having faced abandonment issues with her dad.possibly to also seal her questions on sexuality and help her find her footing in her tumultous college years of change and confusion.strangely i was her teacher in more ways than one
- marrissa: it was mutual healing we both needed at a point where we faced personal crises, she her divorce and me my break-up. we needed affirmation on our love-ability (fuckability even) and i guess it was beautiful while it lasted. we both emerged from the experience a little surer about our destinities
so well, i guess nothing is futile in the broader scheme of things.although every r/s was transient, each was vital and transitional. i know i've come away from each with a sense of fulfilment. that i haven't let life pass me by without loving. i know many who've never even taken one leap in that direction, and as tennyson postulated, it is better to have loved than lost than never to have loved at all.
