breathe.confront.embrace.be
so by 9ish i had dropped about 540ml to the donation drive and a nurse even said, i hope no one faints from the heat today so i asked them to turn up the a.c in the room. then i traipsed over to the vege stall and gobbled b/f, got a bottle of green tea and sat in the office cooling off while chatting w j online. i told her i needed a fag to rid the greasy taste and walked to the usual spot. as i lit a fag i suddenly felt nauseated, so i tossed it halfway and walked back. then everything started to turn black around me and i last recall thinking come on, viv don't drop here, they'd find the evidence of your smoking in the worst possible way haha but the body somehow gave way and i remember trying to grab on to the nearest object being the bush hedges and felt myself fall. i think i was out for a bit but when i came to i was lying down thinking danm this is embarassing to be found prostrate by anyone in this godforsaken corner and yet wanting to lay there for awhile because i felt suddenly so exhausted.then i felt someone lift me, a flurry of 'r you ok viv?' sitting by the sidewalk where the zebra is painted and both the guards sounding frantic.ush stooped facing me and all sorts of worrying questions, and all i could say through bloodied mouth while spitting up parts of my teeth was, oh shit this is so humiliating and ush replying no worries, i fainted in cairo that's even worse hahah the things you recall. i felt my face dripping with cold sweat mixed with the blood which ended up on my shirt, pants and lots of the road, the bottle of greentea still in hand spattered with drops and my lanyard still has blood samples on it. all the while i was thinking and telling them, its ok,pls dont call the ambulance or susan might be alarmed (i was more concerned they'd be asking me what i was doing at that corner in the middle of the day) and then vanity took over and i said i needed to fix my teeth ( i felt my entire front row pushed in, couldn't bite down, but felt some sandy sediments possible broken teeth bits inside) so i trundled to my desk, had the calm sense to shut down the comp, grab my keys and drove myself home, feeling the sudden urge to poop badly from the shock. all that while i only thought of one word, dignity.
i refuse to pass out again with blood all over my face and poop in pants haha so in a surreal state i got myself pooped, bathed, soaked fave shirt and pants andput food in lex's bowl just in case i needed admission. it really was a deja vu moment in 97 when my water broke prematurely and i had to get myself to the hospital at midnight, your body somehow calms itself enough to remember certain things. i even packed a bag of essentials,not forgetting my civil servant card which would be dire for huge health subsidies. i am indeed an aunty in the savings dept.
at the dentist nearby i got nothing but stares but my chin was still dripping with blood from a deep laceration as was from the inner lip so that must've been gruesomely fascinating to them. as i waited for the dentist, i started texting the important peeps in my life. sadly the first was work peeps hahah i was due to drive my colleagues down to a lit seminar that arvo so i had to let them know, them all my lit reps coz i would be missing a few impt class presentations this week, then some friends whom i may need help from to take care of domestics and then yvonne so she could get me a quick red-tape cut at SGH. all this i did in perfectly lucid and grammatically refined poise hahah i amaze myself sometimes. the last calming text i sent to edina who was freaking out from the other end was, fuck i'm going to be hideous to which she replied darling, you'll always be beautiful, esp your fine ass hahah she's obsessed with my posterior
the dentist was pretty sweet, dispensing great $15 advise to cut costs as a civil servant (ironic) and told me to seek help from the a n e dept, which was a smart move. lying on a gurney being poked and asked 20 questions by assorted med officers, i observed the other sad sods around me. so many emergency cases ina minute. mostly old and infirmed. i was prob the only dufus with a healthy bmi and lean muscle tone in there who actually took care of herself. in fact a really cute doc was amused that he could find my veins so easily and proceeded to small talk about sports etc.he even said, 42?really? haha if only i wasn't so miserable i wld've asked him out sometime.
anyway, by the time i was on the operating chair numbed and groggy from too much novocaine, i had drifted into a transcendent state of indifference. i told myself, yup something like that would've happened eventually. i need dramatic episodes to make me learn or change something. firstly, to slow down and stop trying to do so many things. to take care of the simple business and don't forget to eat. i think i passed out mostly from cumulative exhaustion from the past weeks of bad sleep cycles and over-exercise. secondly, i need to appreciate the help of others and stop being so damn proud about it. only when lowered literally to my feet do i realise the limitations of my strengths and how much i need people to render their own help. thirdly i realise how its impossible to simply withdraw to a recluse state of self-sufficiency, esp when there are so many people who genuinely care about you. i have skilled myself to become so independently strong that i think it is sometimes a bad habit. not wanting to ask for help can be another sign of pride. and the beauty of the human spirit is allowed to thrive when you let the generosity of others alleviate your suffering. i know this now.
and finally, it has made me see the forest from the trees in how i want to improve myself from here on. i need to take things in their stride, let go of all past sorrow and future hope. i need to focus on the present moments of significant considerations. this includes my work, my kids and anyone who would benefit from my light. i need to allow myself to move along in that spirit of giving and not expect any sort of payback. because true light just is. without any motive or prejudice.
namaste.
