god is a motherfucker which is why it ended up creating cretins.

had another stupid breakdown last night. gripped by a sudden sadness which refused to go away. texted kw for some reason, 'truth is,beneath the calm and detachment lies a deep and intense pain.sometimes at a zebra i wish a car would hit me.guess the best part of me has alrd died.i wld never tell her this.i can't.' was consumed by such darkness which i couldn't will away with logic or reasoning. i hate being this way.i wish i was wired without any emotions, like someone with aspergers or autism.

she replied smth moving which only made me weep more. i really want to manage this better.smoked >2 packs and felt nauseated.stupid really but it helped numb and subconsciously speed the process of death.

now i'm up after crashing for abt an hour from sheer exhaustion. mind is still reeling. i curse the universe for bringing me here, hooking me up with someone like her who beguiled me into thinking she was the one.it made me let all my guard down and trust/need someone.without happiness there would never be need.i just want to stay neutral and indifferent. i don't thrive on misery.i just want to stay numb from here on. is that too much to ask?