simplicity.

it's clear to me how my life is defined by my roles. and it's because i'm blessed with a certain light and charm that i'm destined to not be in a serious relationship for long. i'm meant to give a part of me to people i meet, to edify them, or to make them feel better about themselves. you might say i'm a star in my own right, and that often poses a problem with people who fall for that and covet that light. once they've received what they need, they have to move on and improve something about themselves.

my past relationships were all in a similar pattern. my first bf once said that he couldn't assert his manhood with me. i suppose it had to do with my strident independence as a woman. i could never let people take care of me and made them feel somewhat inadequate. my ex hub was no different. he fell for my strengths and charm but that also became an issue because i could never feel right with him. he was more a fan than a husband, and perhaps that fed into my vanity to expect more for myself. the first gf likewise wanted to keep me as a trophy to show off to her friends, perhaps to compensate for own lack of self-esteem. my second gf loved me for all my flaws, but she always felt sidelined by my need for more. i could never accept that love was so simple and tried to make it more than it was. the third gf, like my ex-hub in many ways, gave me space to be me. but i was never mutually in love with her the same way because i always felt i needed more, could do 'better'. then the last gf came along and i thought i had hit the jackpot. but truth is, i also tried to make her who she wasn't. a constant adoring lover who would put everything on hold for me. and she fit the bill in terms of desire but that again is an error of judgement, because the packaging had to extend beyond mere physical attraction, which in itself is transient and subject to time and circumstance. even if she were desirable, the other traits which bothered me, like her callousness and sometimes coldness to my needs, only served to break down that fabric of trust.

so i've resigned to accept that we can't always have a perfect package to fit my needs. if that were the case we should be constructing a human being from scratch. which we know is impossible. i am my own person and i thrive on my own, being that constant inspiration to the weaker willed to get their lives in order, to find their own dreams and execute them. that is my strongest gift to the world being an exemplary source of inner strength and calm.

i will be that rock buddha. to be enlightened and edify others to see their own light.
namaste.