supernova

and as i herald the new year with much anticipation and relief, i acknowledge my final journey as the person i was always meant to be, a figure if you will, to always be adored from a distance, approachable yet unattainable. that's how it's always been as a child. i could never keep close friends because privately i always felt like they were just another species. and no one,hard as they tried, could ever tie me down to any form of relationship. because innately i resisted being a part of anyone.

i'm no superstar, but i totally get where elvis,mj,cobain,winehouse,speed et all were coming from, and why they all were the loneliest stars in the universe.because in that extended metaphor, you can never shine with other stars around. and rather than languishing for more, i've achieved everything i could possibly want in my work,family,love life, and personal bests. or as jo aptly put it tongue-in-cheek,'you're not a sad spinster like aunty von, coz you've got us.' haha i guess we've made amends and a whole lot of closure since japan

i've reached a point where i've served my function to all who matter. i think i already did that years ago:

as well as to my 24 'kids'

this shall be my last entry.
i'm closing this down because it has served its purpose.i've made and said my peace.

as i breathe my last,i will go with the best sum of all parts
jo's whiny mehs, jill's artless giggles, lexi's annoyed groans
your big warm palm on the small of my back,your strong fingers in me, the comforting laundered scents of your gunny-sack polo,watching you preoccupied and dextrous in math,your quaint elemental saltiness,those melting pools,the small gentle voice at the other end of the line

good karma all
love and light
namaste

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. 

- Joseph Campbell

bye 2011

you were a bitch year and i gladly bid you farewell.i've never had to deal with so much bad karma in a given time phase so i'm starting to believe it foreshadows a peaceful end. it has to.when you've hit rockbottom that's usually an indication of due relief. i guess in retrospect,my lowest point wasn't so much breaking up,breaking my teeth or getting 8 root canals but letting someone i revile go down on me on my darkest day.that is one moment i wish to forever erase.

2012 will be all about chucking every singlemost bad memory and looking to the most amazing end of my 43rd year.it will end with closure.it will end with clarity.most of all, it will end with that one moment where everything comes together in ohm.needing nothing.and the best part is, i won't be here anymore only because it is something i've chosen and willed.that's what a final triumph is, when you don't let the larger things determine and control your destiny, but you are the ultimate master of your fate and captain of your soul.

peace out.

"Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are." - Arthur Golden

i think (too much) therefore i am.

today on this particularly wet morn, i decided to take a stroll around the neighbourhood (on my way to get ciggies haha). walking past the ostentatious display of a wake in the void deck, i glanced at the picture on the coffin as i always do, checking if i recognise the departed neighbour. no effort was spared with this one, garlanded with lights worthy of christmas at orchard. it marvels me how love is expressed in our culture here, especially the taoist one where  much of it is a display of  piety and i suppose, love.

then i walked behind two aged persons ambling along to avoid a slippery fall, their bodies bent in jaded resignation. perhaps they would rather trade places with the chap in the coffin any day, having instead to bear the prolonged suffering of assorted maladies. mentally i noted that i would never want to live this long because the truth is, despite all advances in medicine, nothing can cure that undefinable loneliness of old age, even if you fill your life with mindless activities which add up to mere time-passers.

passing the daycare center, i observed a young mother struggling with her brolly and tot. at first glance it would appear she was the granny by the varicose veins which spread across her calves (yes i seem to be drawn to legs because i find it an obsession to help those who could use toning) and i wondered why she had managed to let herself go, possibly from toiling over a stove or filling her life with the usefulness of performing domestic chores.

i guess humanity fascinates as much as it reviles me, and often i find myself reacting with a strange mix of pity and misanthropy. the former because many seem beguiled that they are really content when in effect they have probably repressed dreams of something more, the latter because they seem to have resigned to their imperfections, giving up on trying to fix them.

perhaps that explains my fixation on human flaws, my private and constant need to fix my own, which in failing, i try to work on the superficial ones like maintaining a respectable physique. the remaining iniquities i have more or less chalked up as the sum of all parts, the baser traits of who i am honed from personal experiences.

but one thing remains clear to me, and that it is a bane to be born with a mind which observes and processes to an annoying regularity. it is possibly the same quality which plagued the many thinkers who ultimately killed themselves. society would like to label it conveniently as depression or some form of mental disorder, i prefer to call it, being much too aware of our surroundings, from the sublime to the asinine displays of humanity. the cliche of ignorance and bliss applies very much to the rest of society which is content to turn a deaf ear, or pretend they are happy when trey're merely coping, or delude itself in its smug indifference.

and i mean no contempt or arrogance when i ask, do i wish i was one who achieves 'greatness' rather than to have it 'thrust upon' me? perhaps in my private moments i am glad i can see beyond the artificial constructs of 'happiness'. but a large part of me can't help but wonder how my life would have turned out if i could simply be innately dense.

And with a great sense of irony, the bard once observed,

'What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how

infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and

admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like

a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet,

to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me—

nor woman neither.'

(Hamlet, 2.2)

--


p.s and just like that, as i write this, a timely text from kat lamenting that she's broken up with xinni because the latter is interested in someone else but wants to keep kat as a back-up gf.wtf

why i think im done

what was a routine pick up from their dad's place on my way to my school's annual dinner,turned into a mini-psychotherapy session in the jammy hours o the evening. the things which jo said too much to process. in a nutshell, why have kids when you can't handle it, how i neglected them the past 3.5yrs, asking why i was so dodgy, lying, 'is it because i'm a lesbian' yay that elephant is out of the room. nothing disturbed me more than, why didn't you kill yourself after so many breakups? don't know if it's rhetorical or a disguised death wish of her own. jil's input broke my heart most. she started by saying, i choose to focus on the positive, why dig out the past? then when co-oerced by both finally broke down that she wish we could all be like before (i think she meant pre-krystle, shariene years) when we ate as a family and shared time at the beach,movies etc. i guess i have failed on all counts.

i'm so fucking tired. tired mostly because it feels like a cycle. we had these meltdowns, thot it was done, and now the new living arrangements somehow lead to dredging. i guess after telling them that i've resigned not to have any more r/s because being a single-divorced mom you can never devote yourself to anyone with the kids in tow.not unless that partner is willing to take on the whole package.. at some point i even justified how i've made new directions in our lives by avoiding the dating scene despite being hit on.weird.i guess evy's comment to genette the other day that i was the 'hottest and most eligible lesbian' at the club the other day kinda struck me as sad. so what. it doesn't mean i'm going to forge any meaningful r/s with her or anyone,besides it was a room full of usual trolls and cliches. so i'd rather just be a recluse and do all this on my own. it's hard and lonely, but fuck it, i'm done anyway so nothing really bothers me anymore.

so many offers i've turned down for help and company because i know i hate being in need or of follow-up.ruth and edina seem really sincere to help, i even think there's interest / deeper emotional potential.but my heart has just given up on these connections.i just know they're all doom for drama and disappointments. and the kids will never get it anyway.how at the end of the day, i'm a fucking human being, i do want to be happy and not merely function.but all this has worn my will.and patience with cycles.

oh it turns out jil did ask that january day 'if i'd be home when they got back' pointedly.they knew i was going to kill myself.yup perceptive kids.and not kids anymore.so i told them blankly yes, but her very question was probably what stopped me.