why i think im done

what was a routine pick up from their dad's place on my way to my school's annual dinner,turned into a mini-psychotherapy session in the jammy hours o the evening. the things which jo said too much to process. in a nutshell, why have kids when you can't handle it, how i neglected them the past 3.5yrs, asking why i was so dodgy, lying, 'is it because i'm a lesbian' yay that elephant is out of the room. nothing disturbed me more than, why didn't you kill yourself after so many breakups? don't know if it's rhetorical or a disguised death wish of her own. jil's input broke my heart most. she started by saying, i choose to focus on the positive, why dig out the past? then when co-oerced by both finally broke down that she wish we could all be like before (i think she meant pre-krystle, shariene years) when we ate as a family and shared time at the beach,movies etc. i guess i have failed on all counts.

i'm so fucking tired. tired mostly because it feels like a cycle. we had these meltdowns, thot it was done, and now the new living arrangements somehow lead to dredging. i guess after telling them that i've resigned not to have any more r/s because being a single-divorced mom you can never devote yourself to anyone with the kids in tow.not unless that partner is willing to take on the whole package.. at some point i even justified how i've made new directions in our lives by avoiding the dating scene despite being hit on.weird.i guess evy's comment to genette the other day that i was the 'hottest and most eligible lesbian' at the club the other day kinda struck me as sad. so what. it doesn't mean i'm going to forge any meaningful r/s with her or anyone,besides it was a room full of usual trolls and cliches. so i'd rather just be a recluse and do all this on my own. it's hard and lonely, but fuck it, i'm done anyway so nothing really bothers me anymore.

so many offers i've turned down for help and company because i know i hate being in need or of follow-up.ruth and edina seem really sincere to help, i even think there's interest / deeper emotional potential.but my heart has just given up on these connections.i just know they're all doom for drama and disappointments. and the kids will never get it anyway.how at the end of the day, i'm a fucking human being, i do want to be happy and not merely function.but all this has worn my will.and patience with cycles.

oh it turns out jil did ask that january day 'if i'd be home when they got back' pointedly.they knew i was going to kill myself.yup perceptive kids.and not kids anymore.so i told them blankly yes, but her very question was probably what stopped me.