signs and wonders.

just spent an ambivalent day at work. lovely morning walk at lower pierce with a bunch of really sincere colleagues, all mothers, who always tell me wonderful things about their lives and offer the sweetest help and advice with mine. mich unabashedly tells everyone she likes me coz i'm funny and cute, came out to ruth and she totally got it w/o judgement, shared really wicked humour with marisa and griffin is the funniest american-jap i've ever met. it's hard not to fall in love with this place not for the work alone but the beautiful souls i get to connect for a few hours in a day. i just feel bad that i can never tell them about my condition.

then i hung with my form class for a bit, took our class shot for the magazine and had some one-on-one time with a couple of boys.one shared about his friend's suicide, another about his heart condition which has made him fall unconscious on occasion. it was heartbreaking to listen to all this and help none. but i guess they needed the outlet, what with combined stresses of promos,pw and chi exam. somedays i feel so instinctively maternal i want to just bring them all out for a breather if i could drive a schoolbus somewhere faraway.

i went home feeling so torn. sometimes i really just want to tell these people whom i've come to care about that i prb won't be around next year, that i have a dark secret about my health, that i feel soul-less and empty when i'm alone, that i want to detach and get away from any more meaningful connections. i want to come right out and say, i'm sorry peeps, but i'm not who you think i am, that i'm not this lovely sincere soul who makes you laugh, empathizes, or cares. i'm just a shell of humanity who has become too damaged by her private pain to give a toss about giving anything of myself anymore.

then i do think about these peeps in my moments of introspection and wonder if the universe is telling me to fight this, to stay on and 'touch' more lives with my light, coz i'm really aware of what i can do with it if i channel it positively.i have seen how people in my past have become improved, less tired, rejuvenated by my spirit for living.

so i'm torn. to relent to the tired indifference of a worn-out sailor or to help steer more sad sods to their destiny. it's a lonely road, i feel like a sad clown. but perhaps that's what i was dealt with.

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they just shared that for their sandcastle project they were going to build a model of me.haha creepy, but damn.