it's not who but when you love.

It's almost a year since the dark days of january and i've had ample time to process and reflect. the signs were all there but in my idealised realm of relationships i chose to deny them.

sometimes when i'm in love, i have this romanticised version of coupling which will see itself till the end of time. who doesn't want a happily ever after? it's stable and consistent and for some reason, humanity fears changes, even if the change may be better all around.

it was 2010 when things were unraveling. i realise how much i resisted the changes of what her uni environment was doing to her. she was feeling so positive about how it was validating her self-confidence, making new connections, finding her footing in who she was. this version is what she wants to be because she feels completely right in it. i couldn't accept that because it meant i was losing the version i had convinced myself was the perfect match, because it was who i looked for my entire life -- the devoted angel who could redeem me from my unresolved baggage, take on my family circumstances and still love me unconditionally.

then it hit me in my egocentric reasoning that this was simply impossible, if not wrong. how could i expect her to compromise what she saw as right in her life with what was wrong in mine? there's no such thing as sacrifice in life because ultimately we have to find ourselves on our own. likewise, i couldn't just give up on the things which are important to me just to take care of her needs, like my kids, my job especially the devotion to students whom are my professional yet at points, emotional responsibility.

just as i felt completely marginalised by her new life, she probably felt the same about the one i've honed to become significantly the sum of all parts. but i seldom stopped to think about how my choices could've been affecting her -- she must've always felt secondary to my kids, and possibly more so with my students. she resented how i seemed so enthusiastic about how much joy i derived from the rewards of these two sources just as much as i felt alienated from her new-found friends and identity.

in a word, it was never going to work. we could never be genuinely happy for each other because for some reason the lives we lead beyond our time together somehow came in conflict. we tried to salvage it by trying to spend 'quality time' but i think the externalities inevitably intruded into it, distracting us from focusing on each other.

so while the love and affection were undeniably deep, the rest of who we are just couldn't sustain that. it's a sad fact that timing plays a huge part in this. perhaps if we had met in say some simple third world country with nothing but hunting and gathering on our minds things may've worked out.haha who knows. what remains universally constant is we all search for that one true love, who can 'get us' who can embrace all our traits and quirks and still love us more for them. but whether we ever find them in a lifetime remains to be seen.

for me, i've resigned to the fact that i have had close encounters with that one. but again the bitch called timing has managed to fuck with its success. suddenly i'm recalling marianne wee whom i met at the hostel when i was 19. she was perhaps my first real encounter with a 'true love'. she wanted so much to forge a real relationship with me at a time where i still couldn' grasp the concept of fulfilling another's needs because i only saw casual dating as an option. she shared this eye-opening observation which still haunts my memory till this day, 'you seem to need a lot of love'. had i been 40 when she said that, i would've held her and kissed her deeply with tears. instead, i felt slightly offended for her ability to mind-read, and proceeded to push her away purposefully, even doing the cruel of ignoring her messages and letting her walk in on me fucking some hunk i was using to bolster my ego.

yup i was such a dysfunctional individual. perhaps i still am in some ways. but i know i've spent the last decade trying to atone for all the ways i messed with people's trust and devotion to me. for that i've become slightly more considerate and maybe less selfish. so even if i die alone, i would do so without a faint of regret because i think i've lived out my karma quite adequately. till then, i will try to avoid anymore careless liaisons and potential heartbreaks. even if my natural aura to attract the wrong ones may be potentially exploited, i will remind myself those words she spoke. and needing love is a lot different from giving it. i should stop mistaking one for the other.