futility.

i've come to terms with my recurring sadness and how it's totally futile to keep letting it consume me.

first i've to fess up to everything as honestly as possible:
1. i'm sad because i feel i've lost the best part of my life
2. i wanted so much to work out the r/s because it truly felt right and complete with her
3. i still love that version of her before everything fell apart, the one who got me without words
4. the loss of this person makes me grieve all the time
5. i have lost the will to live for that reason alone
6. the memory of the things she said, the promises and hope we built that r/s on continues to haunt me

that said, it will never go away with time because it's been etched so deeply in my soul. i may traverse to places and that version follows me. i may meet others but they'll never be that person. i may let time run its course and hope for a loss of memory but it will never happen (unless physical amnesia takes place).

so there you have it. as deeply honest as i can muster all my courage and suspended pride.

yet she will never know.