grace.

watched this brilliant film, Paper Man, about a writer who copes with his mental illness with his childhood imaginary friend. he meets this teen who teaches him about healing through friendship and understanding. totally related to it, well more from the way i've spent my life in self-imposed isolation because it's the easiest way to avoid intimacy with people. even in relationships i often felt alienated, misunderstood, confused. i couldn't really open myself to anyone because trust is such an issue. i guess that may explain why i constantly projected a lot of my needs on the wrong people and my relationships were just my way to get away from my solitude, which i think and now know is the worst possible reason.

that said, i don't think i want to forge deep relationships. family is incidental, but other than that, it's hard to really give my heart to anyone with complete trust. i don't think anyone really does. most peeps just accept that as a given but don't really know what they want. i want to make peace with that and just move on to a realm of self-acceptance and to embrace my solitude as part of my psyche, even my alter ego or other narratives have been constructed to avoid it. and that isn't right. henceforth i will look at my inner soul and just say, hey, you're good. it's ok to be who you are and not have to keep making amends for it. it's who you are as you were born. so now that i'm surer, i have to cut myself some slack and be gracious about it. that extends to how i judge others or treat them. ah well. food for thought.

this made me sob

namaste.

"When you forgive you love, and when you love, God's light shines on you." (Into the Wild)